+"At a time like this, it felt it appropriate for me to write about giving up. And of course the myriad other thoughts and considerations that come with it. What amazes me is just how much time some of the brightest people in our country spend thinking about giving up. And although I am sure this is true of adults, this time I am not really talking about them. I am talking about the 18,000 students that read this magazine. And I am talking about the thousand little thoughts that occupy your mind and mine. The thoughts that we claim distract us from doing what we want to do. The considerations we make of alternatives when the going gets really tough or when we fail. The new beliefs we form about ourselves in order to not face the reality of who it is we really are. And although I know that adults do this too, in other shapes and forms about their marriages and work and whatever other things they complain about, this time I really am not talking about them. I am talking about you.
I would love to sympathise. I really would. I went through the A levels too and do not have pleasant memories. But it is precisely because the memories are so vivid that I also remember the contemptuous behaviour and attitude I had during that period of time. And I remember the myriad lies that swarmed through my mind daily; anything that would distract me from what I knew I needed to do. And today, having learned the things I have learned about life and living, I am sorry. I do not want to sympathise. Because sympathising does not serve you.
The bottom line is that results do not lie. There may be slight variations in judgement here and there but in general, results do not veer far away from the truth. If I say that I love my wife, but she does not feel loved, then I have not loved her but in my mind. If I say, I have taught a wonderful class and done my duty as a tutor, but my students have not learned, then I have only taught well in my mind. If you say you have tried your best to get the best grades possible, and you have received poor results way below your expectations, then I call your bluff and will saying you are lying. That you did not try your best. Results simply do not lie. And I know that as I make this claim there will be a thousand and one rationalities, excuses, reasons, qualifications, rebuttals that will fly my way in an attempt to continue to help you avoid hard truths, to protect that heart of yours from seeing certain things about yourself that you just do not want to see. But I ask that maybe you want to take a second look.
The point is to take responsibility for the choices you have made so far and the results you have created. It does not serve you to think otherwise. Just imagine how contemptible a man I would be if I claimed I loved my wife. And she does not feel loved. But instead of taking responsibility, I simply tell you that I am a left brained man and I cannot show emotion, or that I came from a bad family, or that I am very busy, or that it is too difficult to love well, or that this is not what I expected of marriage… Imagine that. Imagine a man full of stories. But no results. Nothing to speak of but stories about why things are not. How contemptible would I be? And for how long would you have respect for me?
I am not saying that taking exams is easy. But I am saying that you made a choice to do so. You made a choice. No one forced you; and I know it is easy to claim that you didn’t make this choice. That society, parents, siblings, friends compelled you to make this choice … anybody and everybody but yourself. But the truth is you did, and all I ask is that you take responsibility. For playing the victim will only serve you in creating yet another day where nothing is done.
We play the victim in so many ways. And nobody can deny that it feels good being a victim. Being a victim allows us to not take responsibility. It allows us to feel sorry for ourselves. It allows us to create sympathy from another person; to suck the other person into our world so they can buy and partake of our bullshit too and perhaps wallow together. People who buy each others bullshit do so because they are complicit in supporting each others lies. Two people who want to avoid reality and avoid creating some real results love each others company; they love confirming that they are a victim and having another just validates it even more.
But what really is the bottom line? What can we really say about people who do not produce results? And please do not mistake me by thinking that I mean grades… No. I simply mean that we end up doing what we say we will do. That we are people who honour our word, who are of action, who take their results always with responsibility. And if failure strikes (which it will) we simply see it for what it is… information that helps us move forward. So the bottom line is to recognise that we can indeed feel tired, stressed, discouraged and unmotivated, but we can spend time coming up with stories to justify us staying in that contemptible place, or we can simply evaluate our situation and move on to creating something better.
This message is for everybody, because if it did not ring true for you personally, it would have rang true for someone you know. And I pray that the clarity of what I say, brings you or that friend some good hard loving truth to your life. I wish you the very best for your coming exams. Go create something wonderful." | Tong, Taking Responsibility
+"The aftermath of that trauma could be seen in their brain scans, whether or not the young adults had developed diagnosable disorders. Regardless of their mental health status, formerly maltreated youth showed reductions in volume of about 6% on average in two parts of the hippocampus, and 4% reductions in regions called the subiculum and presubiculum, compared with people who had not been abused.
That’s where this study begins to tie together loose ends seen in prior research. Previous data have suggested that the high levels of stress hormones associated with child maltreatment can damage the hippocampus, which may in turn affect people’s ability to cope with stress later in life. In other words, early stress makes the brain less resilient to the effects of later stress. “We suspect that [the reductions we saw are] a consequence of maltreatment and a risk factor for developing PTSD following exposure to further traumas,” the authors write." |
